This has made me feel seen. Thank you immensely! 😊
I've always found it so very painful to try building relationships with others, and realizing that no matter what I do, they don't understand me and don't want to. They don't want the truth. They don't care what the facts are.They don't care how I see things. I finally just made it to the point the point where i''m okay with not trying to build with them. I'd rather build nothing than build on quicksand and false hope.
And, on a morbidly funny side note: I had a former therapist tell me (on my birthday) that I was arrogant and that my gifts weren't needed in this world. 😂 That is literally the wildest thing I've been told in a professional setting. And, she still believed she was being professional when she told me. 🫠🙃🤣
This timeline is bonkers. I can't believe our way is arrogant and bullshitting people is seen as humble. Fuck all of this. it's exhausting and unacceptable. I hate that we can't do a damn thing about it.
Phenomenal piece. The gap between "I'm still here, I'm still with you, I haven't given up on this" and "fine, you win" is devastating. Most advice tells us to soften, to hold back, to read the room better. None of it addresses the actual structural issue: we're running very different operating systems and neither one knows the other exists.
I love how you articulated this and find it very relatable. Before my diagnosis, and after many failed attempts at keeping relationships going, I determined that I should avoid giving any unsolicited advice. I thought that would resolve the disconnect. What I didn’t understand is that allistics usually define their identity differently to how I define mine. Conversations for them are an attempt to strengthen their identity via affirmation of their group memberships. Instead of giving unsolicited advice, I would bring up something that someone else—maybe a well-known person—did or said that seemed contrary to their own values or simply missed the mark. I was convinced since I was discussing someone that neither of us knew personally, not the person I was in conversation with, it would be OK. Wrong. I was hoping they would add to what I said. Not necessarily agree, but give us “something to chew on.” Instead, they would take it personally. Usually that was the end of the relationship. Reading Terra Vance’s Identity Theory of Autism helped me understand this better. https://neuroclastic.com/the-identity-theory-of-autism-how-autistic-identity-is-experienced-differently/
I’m finally getting to the place where I can frame this disconnect differently. My focus used to be on how to be more palatable to everyone else. Now I realize that I should be getting value out of the relationship too. It’s not that one way to communicate is bette, but if our needs aren’t aligned, maybe the relationship isn’t worthwhile for either of us.
Thanks for the link. I haven't read that piece and will check it out. I know you are right about getting value out of the relationship too. I just find myself wondering if it's even possible... but feeling like the villian when I'm bending over backwards to bring value just isn't a place I can stay. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
OMG I only have space for one type of person like you in my life and it's not you even though you are a paying client. GAH!!! It's just never enough, is it? I can literally feel that sting. Maybe being ghosted IS better. I know that's why I'm constantly being ghosted, people don't want to tell me they just don't like being with me. I feel your pain Sophia. Thanks for trusting me and sharing.
This has made me feel seen. Thank you immensely! 😊
I've always found it so very painful to try building relationships with others, and realizing that no matter what I do, they don't understand me and don't want to. They don't want the truth. They don't care what the facts are.They don't care how I see things. I finally just made it to the point the point where i''m okay with not trying to build with them. I'd rather build nothing than build on quicksand and false hope.
And, on a morbidly funny side note: I had a former therapist tell me (on my birthday) that I was arrogant and that my gifts weren't needed in this world. 😂 That is literally the wildest thing I've been told in a professional setting. And, she still believed she was being professional when she told me. 🫠🙃🤣
This timeline is bonkers. I can't believe our way is arrogant and bullshitting people is seen as humble. Fuck all of this. it's exhausting and unacceptable. I hate that we can't do a damn thing about it.
Phenomenal piece. The gap between "I'm still here, I'm still with you, I haven't given up on this" and "fine, you win" is devastating. Most advice tells us to soften, to hold back, to read the room better. None of it addresses the actual structural issue: we're running very different operating systems and neither one knows the other exists.
🤯
I love how you articulated this and find it very relatable. Before my diagnosis, and after many failed attempts at keeping relationships going, I determined that I should avoid giving any unsolicited advice. I thought that would resolve the disconnect. What I didn’t understand is that allistics usually define their identity differently to how I define mine. Conversations for them are an attempt to strengthen their identity via affirmation of their group memberships. Instead of giving unsolicited advice, I would bring up something that someone else—maybe a well-known person—did or said that seemed contrary to their own values or simply missed the mark. I was convinced since I was discussing someone that neither of us knew personally, not the person I was in conversation with, it would be OK. Wrong. I was hoping they would add to what I said. Not necessarily agree, but give us “something to chew on.” Instead, they would take it personally. Usually that was the end of the relationship. Reading Terra Vance’s Identity Theory of Autism helped me understand this better. https://neuroclastic.com/the-identity-theory-of-autism-how-autistic-identity-is-experienced-differently/
I’m finally getting to the place where I can frame this disconnect differently. My focus used to be on how to be more palatable to everyone else. Now I realize that I should be getting value out of the relationship too. It’s not that one way to communicate is bette, but if our needs aren’t aligned, maybe the relationship isn’t worthwhile for either of us.
Thanks for the link. I haven't read that piece and will check it out. I know you are right about getting value out of the relationship too. I just find myself wondering if it's even possible... but feeling like the villian when I'm bending over backwards to bring value just isn't a place I can stay. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
OMG I only have space for one type of person like you in my life and it's not you even though you are a paying client. GAH!!! It's just never enough, is it? I can literally feel that sting. Maybe being ghosted IS better. I know that's why I'm constantly being ghosted, people don't want to tell me they just don't like being with me. I feel your pain Sophia. Thanks for trusting me and sharing.